In the past few months I have been suffering from an intense desire for change. The problem is I don’t know what I want to change, or what needs to change. The biggest things to consider are where I am and what I do. I currently work a shitty part time job earning just enough money to live on, and have just recently reduced the hours I work there, after 8 years of working a Saturday shift I’ve decided enough is enough and want to discover what a weekend feels like. But this change is not enough, I know that, but it’s a start. I can’t really afford to not work this day, but in the same breath I also can’t afford to work it (before you ask, not I can’t work an extra day in the week, I’ve asked ‘not the budget for it’, was the response….there are many reasons why I know this to be untrue, but shan’t go into those here), but it’s not just the desire for a change of scene on the job front that troubles me. After 5 years of living in Glasgow I am beginning to get itchy feet, and am feeling more and more claustrophobic, it seems I can’t go anywhere without seeing a face I recognise and, somewhat ironically, I am feeling evermore isolated. I know that it’s all just psychological, that if I tell myself to get on with it, and get over it, I will. But the truth is I don’t want to do that. They truth is that I am unhappy.
The problem with leaving, with cutting myself free is the wound that it leaves behind. As it currently stands I have nowhere to go, or no real reason to go, no excuse you could say. But does that really matter? I guess without an incentive getting shot of all the things currently in my life, a studio, a decent flat, too many books, CDs and DVDs, a job, is much much harder. I put them up and make them reasons not to go. Storage is too expensive, or so I tell myself. But do I really need the things I have? Maybe I should just do a Michael Landy and get rid of it all. I often think that all I really need of the things I have is their memory. I sometimes think about taking a photograph of all the things I have, therefore preserving their memory in something much more reliable than my own. And then getting rid of them. But where should they go? Some I will try to sell, some I will give away, some I will throw out, I suppose that’s the best thing to do. That way maybe I’ll feel much more able to remove myself from the situation I currently find myself in. Life out of a small suitcase can’t be so bad; in fact I often fantasize that it’d be wonderful. But can I do it? In October I am going away for a couple of weeks, that gives me a month to start the process….I just need to start I guess. I just need to kick myself in the backside and get on with it. I can’t see any other options really…Studio, Job, and Flat; they will be the last to go….
- Don’t Cut Off Your Nose To Spite Your Face [David Winch] (ecademy.com)
- Locked Room Scenario (guardian.co.uk)
- Michael Landy’s art goes down the tube (guardian.co.uk)